Read a Story
A story from "The Soul of Aging", 2007, Santa Fe
by Susie Hammersley Stone, 92 years

My name is Susie Hammersley Stone. Yes, Frederick Hammersley, Hard Edge Painter, is my brother.

My mother, Anne Westberg, was born in Stockholm, Sweden. My father was from Silvertown, England just outside London. About 1905 by chance and separately, Mother and Dad were each coming to America. Believe it or not, this is how they met, aboard the same ocean liner. Dad, grinningly, would tell us how he spotted Mother coming up the gangplank. She apparently was smartly dressed and was wearing a huge picture hat.  During the trip to New York they would be seen sitting together on the deck communicating with Swedish and English dictionaries.

At that time there was a J.R. Dyckman, an artist who made a postcard-sized drawing of this “tete a tete” accented with a cute cherub, bow and arrow in the upper corner aiming at this tender scene. (I have this drawing to this day.) Arriving in New York, Dad, with little money in his pocket, was told “Go west young man.” He went to Montana. Mother went to a cousin in New Jersey and did house work. About 9 years later they were married in San Francisco about 1914.

Before the above episode, Mother lived with her family in an upstairs apartment in Stockholm. Grandma was an excellent seamstress and had her own sewing business, having 4 or 5 girls assisting her. She sewed for actresses and my mother would have to deliver the clothes and collect the money. There was one actress that took a liking to Mother and apparently tipped her well – her name was Susie and here I am. Mother often spoke of times the girls might be depressed or feel low and Grandma would cheer them up by getting out the playing cards and tell their fortunes and look at their palms.

Some time during junior high school in Salt Lake City, my brother Frederick and I took elocution lessons.  Around this time I remember loving to be in front of the class to read and had no fear.  In an elocution recital I remember I recited a reading on “Old Mother Hubbard” and wore a black robe as a minister or such. My next educational step was entering the freshman high school class in Blackfoot, Idaho.  This was a foreboding time because of all the warning to the class of the Freshman initiation held in the huge auditorium. All I knew, we would be called up on the stage and asked to perform. Oh, I was scared and really worried.  I even thought of not going that day (never ever had done this) – then I thought – “No,” I should be a good sport!!  This is hard to write about with all the frightening memories – so scary – so alone – so embarrassed. Sure enough, my name was called.  I got up on the stage and there I stood in the middle of all that space wishing I could die.  I was able to talk on “How it feels to have a Haircut.”  I guess that’s all simple enough, but all I felt was “Raw Fear.” I finally got back to my seat.  Don’t remember what I said – not very much.  I remember I was so glad to be back in my seat, even though I felt the lowest of the low.  This fear has lingered much of my life and when I watch or see an actor perform, I purr and admire this deeply, it is a great gift.

At age 39, I realized my life was standing still, not going anywhere. So after much talking to myself I phoned a Dr. Maurice Spottswood, a psychiatrist in San Francisco, for an appointment. There were no men in my life and I really wanted to be married. The analysis went from 1954 to 1958, once a week at first, increasing to 3 times a week. The doctor was excellent, using the couch method but the process itself was very difficult for me. Anytime I was going to the doctor, I would have butterflies in my stomach.  I was not used to this style of showing myself. During therapy and when finished, things had a way of changing – all created from “constructive action.”  These two words always make me think of Spottswood. My living became freer, easier and more enjoyable. I can highly recommend therapy. It is not easy but well worth any struggle – it’s money in the bank. 

After my last session I was so happy and thrilled. Spottswood took me out for a cup of coffee and from there I went to the nearest flower stand in San Francisco and bought a bucketful of carnations. Oh, Happy, Happy.

In 1960 I met Bill, through friends of my parents. He was getting a divorce and had a 9-year-old son.  A year later (I was 45) on April 23, 1961, we were married and lived in San Mateo, California.  38 years later Bill died, complications after surgery, prostate cancer. Our marriage was good, the first 10 years the very best – they were wonderful. These were difficult times for me were quite different. In time we joined a church, which was very good. Also “Marriage Encounter” on weekends.  I joined a ceramic class and discovered an entirely new world, became a potter and for 20 years found a tremendous amount of joy and pure pleasure!!  (Try it – it can get under your skin.) Bill took a Bread-Making class, which was a great eye opener for him. From then on he always made the communion bread for church or anytime needed.

And now in 2007, here I am – 92 years old. What can I expect, what do I see ahead?  I have thought of returning to San Mateo, California, my home.  Thomas Wolfe said, “You cannot go home again.”  In a way it’s like going backwards – not forward.  How do I change gears and go forward?  Actually, I think I really don’t appreciate where I am in El Castillo and Santa Fe.  I realize that I’m a city person not used to Santa Fe and the Country (even though very picturesque). 

I wish I could take my being and set it over there, anywhere, look straight at it – give it a hug – then accept my spot with grace and gratitude.  That is my hidden wish, and to top it off, out of the blue, I wish I could hear Al Jahner, our CEO at El Castillo, smilingly say, “Susie Stone, you may have a cat, even though it’s against the rules.!!”

After Bill died, if I was going somewhere, I’d always seem to run into couples walking hand in hand. This would cause a big stir in my heart. They were so lucky to be together! I envied them.

If I have learned anything in the last 92 years, I would say take care of your loved one, be generous with the words “I love you”. Be kind to others. Be fearless, try something new and take note of your feelings. For as the quote says “It is only with the heart that one can see rightly. What is essential is invisible to the eye.”

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